EROTICGON
by Thal
Summary: Probably the most offensive and revolting Eragon fanfic. Ever. Please review, it's fun!


**Eroticgon. THE MOST OFFENSIVE ERAGON FANFIC EVER**.

Hello, dear readers!

We'd like to introduce this fic with a fair warning: expect nothing. Any/all social taboos went out the window when the first treaty between elves and dragons was signed ages ago. Necrophilia, bestiality, foot fetishes, bondage, homosexual, man/boy love, were-leopards, furries, sodomy, rape, cults, aliens and special appearances of Spock, Harry Pothead and co, and, of course, Aragon WILL be included and suggestions are more than WELCOME. Please review! (however, your opinion may or may not matter depending on if you like this or how offensive and perverse you are)

Note: all characters here belong to their respective authors/companies. Harry Potter is J.K. Rowling, the Eragon buddies belong to Christopher Paolini and the cast of Star Trek belong to someone too… I think Universal Pictures, LotR people are J.R.R. Tolkien's. We own nothing and are not out to make a profit!

**EROTIGON 1: EPISODE 1: THE PHANTOM WERELEAOPRD MENACE**

Dusk was descending upon the Spine. As the sun dipped low in the sky, it erupted with a torrent of blazing reds while creating long shadows and illuminated shafts of light that tore through the opaque mists of evening approaching. The natural phenomenon of a sunset in the Spine was both bewitching and unnerving and few people dared enter those mountains alone. For many years, a thick cloud of suspicion clung to the mountains like the evening fog. It was deep in these mountains that Eragon, Son of None was hunting to feed his family.

As Eragon stalked though the thick trees, his sharp eyes noticed the soft, silky coat of a beautiful doe grazing in a clearing just ahead of him. A sly smile graced his face, causing the teenager to look positively devilish. As was his practice when hunting, Eragon liked to shoot large does through the head and then rape their dead corpses while they sill warm. He hid his passion for bestiality and necrophilia very well from the villagers by cutting the animals in half down their spines and then cutting out their anuses and nether regions for…later use. He then preserved the select parts in jars. While no one knows why or how Eragon started this horrible practice, many speculate that it was because Eragon couldn't get laid.

This time however, as he thrusted into the limp corpse he hit something on the way in, causing him to yelp in pain. After quickly pulling his member out, he reached into the does' bloody sphincter and pushed his hand in deep, until he met the strange object. His fingers grasped this hard yet cool object and he pulled it out. His eyes widened at the sight: a giant blue anal love bead. Eragon stepped back in shock and awe, he had never seen an anal love bead this color and texture, yet alone this large. The bead was about a foot long and as smooth as a baby's bottom, its marbled surface glistened a million shades of azure in the deepening sunset of evening. Eragon could not imagine any animal or person large enough who could actually use this anal love bead for pleasure due to its size, the only creatures large enough would have been dragons, long extinct creatures of myths in Alagaësia.

Eragon's glance returned to the dead doe. Now that the massive bead was removed from her body, her plumbing was far too loose and gory for his taste. Eragon never could get into that bondage and painful sex thing, and the sight of all the blood made his little penis flaccid. Pulling up his pants, Eragon got out his knife and quartered to doe then started to make his way back to town.

As soon as Eragon entered Cavarhall, he headed straight to the butcher Sloan's shop. While it was a well-known fact that Sloan was the town's best meat dealer, it was a closely-guarded secret that he was also the town's sex toy merchant. Eragon thought that the massive blue bead could make him some extra money for his family. He entered the shop and greeted the middle-aged man.

"Eragon, eh, what're you here for today? If you can afford it," he sneered "I've got some fine steaks, or…" he paused, and his tone changed 'I can offer you some of my most popular… sausages."

"Actually…" said Eragon "I was wondering if I could sell you something. I've never seen anything like it before" Eragon fumbled with his pack and pulled out the blue bead, placing it on the counter. Sloan picked it up with both hands and examined it.

"What the hell is this?" he asked.

"Well sir, I think… it's a very large… anal love bead." Eragon replied meekly, watching the butcher's eyes widen.

"An anal love bead? What the hell boy, you expect me to believe that? This thing is huge. No human could use this, it's so large, it could probably kill even a deer."

"Actually sir, it did." Eragon looked at the floor to avoid Sloan's shock and disgust as he noticed the quartered doe hanging from Eragon's pack.

"You're disgusting! I don't even want to know how you can say that, do you… know from experience? Eww! You're vile Eragon, and I've seen some pretty nasty scum in my shop. Where did you find this abomination?"

"The Spine, sir, I was hunting."

"That's it, get OUT! You should know that I take pride in my goods and would never buy a USED anal love bead, let alone a USED anal love bead that you pulled out of some dead dear that you fucked in the SPINE! Now GO!" Bellowed Sloan. Eragon took that as his cue to leave and ran out the door, carrying his pack and the bead.

Three weeks passed and life for Eragon returned to normal, he spent his days working in the fields with his cousin Roran and the nights in his bedroom wanking off with preserved deer vaginas. Life was peaceful and simple, it looked like the family would be able to live through the coming winter with little difficulty as long as they could get a few simple supplies from the traders. However, the traders were late this year, and Eragon began to question if they would even come. There were many dirty rumors that circulated around town, and even more depressing rumors and the Empire's increasingly oppressive rule. Eventually, the traders returned to Carvahall and Eragon wondered if perhaps they would buy his magical bead, that, for the past few weeks, been sitting dusty underneath his bead in between preserved deer vaginas.

Eragon walked among the caravan of traders, holding the bead tightly inside his cape. He looked about the travelers and noticed that besides being late, they also had an odd look about them. Eragon could not say exactly what it was, but the traders seemed to have larger eyes than usual, gaunt faces and appeared slightly… furry. Eragon made his way over to a shady trades dealer and asked him about buying the bead. The trader held the bead in his hands and stroked it for a second, finally asking Eragon what it was.

"I think it's a very large anal love bead, sir."

"Hmm, I think not my boy. It's too large for any human to use, in fact… I cannot think of any creatures in this world who could gain satisfaction from this item, perhaps it is something else. At the very least, you could paint a face on it and it would be the most wondrous lawn decoration."

Dismayed, Eragon took the bead and returned home with his uncle, Roran had decided to stay in town for the night with some friends, presumably at Horst's house.

Roran, however, had different plans. He intended to marry his love Katrina as soon as possible, but without a large enough source of income he could do nothing. Roran walked through the caravan of traders, making small talk with them inquiring about finding work, and was directed to the same shady dealer that Eragon had met earlier. The man was selling queer-looking objects and there was something odd about him… he had a slightly feline face, he introduced himself to Roran as Ivan Chekhov.

"So young man, you seek work, correct?" Ivan asked, his hand idly stroking his wispy beard. Roran could not help staring at the man's long and pointed fingernails.

"Yes sir, I'd like to find a way to quickly earn enough money to—"

"Enough money for what, my boy?" inquired Ivan, his eyes glistening.

"I would like to take a wife soon and am willing to work hard—" Again, Ivan cut off Roran mid-sentence.

"Oh I see. Yes, yes. You're a family man. Good, strong values. Convictions. Morals. A desire to attain the simple… pleasures of life. I see. Perhaps we can work something out, are you willing to work hard young man?"

"I will do whatever it takes to realize my dreams."

"Good, good" Ivan purred "Now tell me boy, how are you with secrets?"

"My heart is like a fortress for what I hold dear and honor."

"And this girl, you love her, yes? You would do anything for her?"

"With all my heart, yes."

"Anything you say? Interesting…" Ivan then turned and seemed lost in thought, but quickly returned his gaze to Roran "How about we have a little…evaluation."

Without any warning, Ivan stripped off his jacket, revealing a skin tight leather bondage suit. He opened a window, and moonlight shone into the tent. Ivan began to purr, as his skin rapidly grew spotted fur and his body becames feline in shape. Roran looked at the man-cat-thing and gasped, realized that somehow Ivan, was in fact, a were-leopard. Ivan then pounced onto Roran, tearing with his claws into Roran's cheap clothing. He slammed Roran to the ground, face first and roared "Let's see how you like this!"

With a powerful thrust, Ivan penetrated Roran with his massive 2 foot long Leopard penis, sending gushers of fecal matter and blood, as well as screams of pain/pleasure into the air.

After pounding Roran for about 20 minutes, Ivan let loose a throaty growl, satisfied, Roran collapsed in a pile on the floor, his sphincter burning in pain. Ivan got up and prowled around the room, then he slinked up to Roran, and bit him on the neck and purring into his ear "you've got a job now, my kin."

Roran cried out in terror as he looked at his changing body in the moonlight. He was growing spotted fun all over his feline body, while his vision increased and his dull fingernails turned into razor-sharp claws. Wave after wave of shock and pain flooded through his body at the realization of what had just occurred. Roran collapsed on the floor. He was now a were-leopard.

Instead of heading home like he planned, Eragon went to the town square where the old pothead Brom was supposed to be telling stories for entertainment. No one in town really believed Brom's exotic tails of dragons, elves and magic because to all knowledge spread in the Empire, those creatures did not exist and it was a well-known fact that old Brom smoked too many herbs to really be considered mentally stable. In fact, as Eragon came closer to the town square, he noticed that Brom was holding a long pipe and he took breaths in his story to exhale large, dragon-shaped puffs of smoke that seemed to fly into the edges of imagination and the darkness of the night.

After several hours of stories, Brom finished his last tale and walked to his house with young Eragon in tow. Eragon had a question for Brom about dragons, a very personal question that he dared not ask in the town square. Eragon was very curious to know if dragons ever used anal love beads.

"ANAL WHAT?" roared Brom, shocked.

"Love beads, sir."

"I'm not stupid, boy, I know what anal love beads are. But to suggest to me, even to think that dragons would ever resort to something so perverse is unforgivable! Dragons are intelligent animals and are not so crude in their mechanics of love as your perverse mind might allow to fantasize. And now I must, know, how could you have come up with such a wicked question?"

"Oh it was nothing sir, you know me, silly Eragon!" and the farm boy ran out of the hut.

Eragon did see Roran for three days after they visited the caravan, but he finally returned to the family farm with a feral glare in his eyes and a sly smile on his face. Somehow, to Eragon, his cousin looked different.

"Father, Eragon, I have the best of news for you both! I've found a lucrative job with the traders and I will leave with them soon. When I return next year I shall have enough money to marry Katrina and we shall both live on the farm with you two." Roran beamed. Though he avoided many specific questions about what he would be doing for the traders, as he would be ashamed if his family knew he was being paid to be a were-leopard sex slave.

A couple days later, Roran left with his father's blessing. The farm felt strangely empty to Eragon with Roran gone, just his uncle and the strange blue bead, which had somehow become close to Eragon's heart.

When Eragon went up to his bedroom that night to wank off with his preserved deer vaginas, he noticed that the bead under his bead was shaking back and forth. Eragon wondered if perhaps vibration was the true function of the toy until suddenly it broke apart from the inside.

Shocked, Eragon looked closer at the broken bead, which was actually an egg.

A dragon egg.

Fighting with the last piece of shell, was a tiny sapphire-blue dragon.

The End.

A.N.: Stay tuned for the next chapter! We hope you didn't get offended by this and can offer us suggestions to make our story better and funnier. Have a great New Year's Season – Nisa and Andre


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